It's been a while..I know I know

I know....I know what you are thinking.....the last time you talked to me was a year ago. So what all has happened since we last talked....

oh you know....a little of this and that. We won the lottery, bought some ocean front property, I got my own show on Oprah's new network! Oh and I'm totally full of shit!

Well the truth is ...I got my heart broken when the doctor confirmed I have PCOS, had a little nervous breakdown to start the summer of with a bang, started two new jobs, met with an alternative medicine specialist, told clomid to suck it...and basically tried like hell to put the thought of you in the back of my brain. Don't get me wrong....I still want you terribly, but I also wanted some sanity and I could feel myself losing it...and believe me baby...if momma is crazy, you don't wanna be anywhere near that.

I'm doing a lot better now baby....yes I still get a twinge of jealousy when I see an announcement on facebook, but it doesn't make me cry anymore....when you start losing your ability to be happy for other people...you need to check yourself. I started looking into a more natural way to treat my condition by using progesterone cream and who woulda thunk it IT WORKS!!!! (I'm not brave enough yet to go to the doctor to find out if I'm ovulating) I've also spent a lot of time giving myself a freaking break. I'm an overachiever so not meeting you after two years of really looking for you has made me feel like I'm less than...and I honestly don't want another pseudo niece or nephew...I want you....so yeah....what are we gonna do about that?!?!?!

Here is my new plan of attack!!!!!! I have developed this growing obsession with all things Bethenny Frankel...don't worry mom will tell you all about her when you get here. Well anyway, she is this go getter who came out of hell and has really made a life for herself. She is also pretty damn funny. She has a book called A Place of Yes! (yes I know..you are already loving her from the title) I've spent a really long time living in the what if and why me and it's never going to happen that I've lost a bit of my fierceness. Reading this book is helping me get my groove back. I'm almost finished...I've only allowed myself one chapter a week because it is so right on and so good that I need to absorb it all. Once I am finished I am going to take each of the 10 steps and really engulf myself in them for a month......so for the next 10 months this blog will be dedicated not only to you but to coming from a place of yes and let's see how it changes us for the good.

So starting June 1st I AM COMING FROM A PLACE OF YES......now I have no idea if it will make you come any faster.....but I also know it can't hurt to be my best self if you do decide you'd like to come along. I long for you everyday and I believe.

would you like to meet your cousin?....she is waiting for you

Hey there,

No worries.... I'm much better today than the last time we spoke. Still the same worries on my mind but they will not consume me today.

Anyways, I figure if I bribe you enough will all the cool people who will love the dickens out of you it will make you want to come to this earth sooner.....and believe me baby seese, there are a ton of wonderful people waiting to love on you.

For example...this is your one and only cousin so far... Ms. Abree! She is super fun and would really like you to come over and play....now I assume by the time you get here, she won't want you to touch her toys because you will get baby drool all over them...but she will love you anyway. She will be super protective of you if anyone tries to pick on you or be unkind. Just like I am of her daddy.

We would all really like to meet you baby seese!

love,

mom

just stop with the research already

I'm a grant writer....research is what I do. I look for facts through all kinds of garbage on the internet and try to find funding for programs. I'm pretty decent at it. Except that now I research EVERYTHING! I could have a best seller if I just printed out my recent google searches.

There is just so much to know, to learn...so many questions....there is no exact science when waiting on magic to happen. I am a faith filled girl, but these days I really like exact measurements. So I keep trying to calm my shit and tell myself that I am perfectly human and my body is designed to do this. It will happen Jaslyn Marie....just chill your shit.

I am not a patient girl and I own it. Nothing in my life has ever come easy for me. I have had to bust my ass for everything. I had to figure out how to finish college when my parents could no longer afford to pay for it and I found a way. I had to learn how heal myself when my heart was broken and become a better person. I have always had to put my big girl panties on an deal with it. But there are some days when I feel completely defenseless against the nagging voice in my head that says." just get over it, it ain't happenin hussy."

And there is just nothing your well meaning friends can say when you feel that way. Today is one of those days, but tomorrow will be better.

Maybe I should buy new underwear today ;)

This could be your father...I promise you will like him

Cool guy huh... yes he still smokes and he is obnoxiously obsessed with all things pittsburgh(steelers, penquins, pirates, basically anything black and gold), and he cusses like a sailor. But let me tell you...he is the sweetest, most loving man you will ever know once you have his heart. I can't wait to see how you will change his life too. He has a few requests...I think they are pretty reasonable...1.) you are allowed to ask us if you can play any sport but soccer, it would kill him. 2.) please root for IU, he is lonely in our house as me and your brother Baylor cheer for the cards.

we love just the thought of you so much it hurts!

So the journey begins FO REALSIES!!!!

So being an adult is sometimes is not all it's cracked up to be....in your teens you think about what your life will be like when you have a job. You can buy whatever you want and live where you want and do what you want....and then God laughs at you right along with your parents.

What I am getting at is the simple fact that you never realize what a miracle a child is until you are faced with the reality that you might not get one. Things are not so dreary for me yet, but the thought never goes away. So I am going to write those thoughts down so that when I am proven wrong and holding my sweet child with my husbands eyes and hopefully my hair color if it's a girl, I can show them how much they were truely wanted.

We got the news in Janurary that I am annovulatory. Super cool when you are in high school and still a virgin to not get your period every month....not so cool when you are 28 and have BAYBEE on the BRAINZ!!!!!!!

So here I am on clomid...hoping for the best and already making deals with myself if it doesn't happen right away.......don't take too long baby seese, your mother doesn't have a lot of patience.